My Mini-Retreat (Caregiver Care)

This week I did something I have never done before.  I took myself on a mini-retreat in search of a breath of fresh air, time to think, remember, create, and rest.  Everyone is busy, not just caregivers, but there is a daily weariness that I experience that is hard to explain.  The idea of leaving Gary for a couple of days, was not appealing until recently.  A couple of years ago, he would have been confused about my absence, but now he is unaware of the passing of time, or who it is that is caring for him.  Things have been much harder in 2014 and my attention is diverted in many directions in addition to the sad decline in Gary.  So, for several weeks I've been planning to take a couple of days off, and let the Lord take care of me.  I packed a good book, my watercolors, and my Bible.

Sunday

Sunday morning, Gary's caregivers arrived and I said good-bye.  It began with a beautiful drive.  I enjoy driving when there is no traffic, beautiful vistas and Keith Green's music playing.  Two of my favorite's are The Prodigal Suite, and Stained Glass.  I was surprised how many times I was reminded of former times, and in a way, Gary came along with me.  We were dating when we first heard Keith Green at Calvary Chapel in Costa Mesa.  His worship music was a big part of our early years, and still is. 

I arrived at 3:00 at Moonstone Beach in Cambria on the Central Coast.  Gary and I have stayed in several different hotels here, but The Fogcatcher Inn is our favorite. 

My adventures began with a brisk walk along the boardwalk along the bluff.  It was quite windy, and cool, but very refreshing.  How often I had walked hand in hand with Gary on the same boards.  But this time I was alone and it was ok. 

I took tons of photos.  Tried some "selfies," and shot scenes for painting reference and of course capturing the views to help my own memories.   

I walked along the beach too, scoping out a good location to paint the next day, and found a 3 pebbles to save.  Each time we went to Moonstone Beach, Gary and I would gather "theme" pebbles.  One year he'd look for jelly bean shapes and colors.  Another, it was all white, or all green or all brown.  They sit in jars in our sun room.  I must confess, it's not as fun gathering them, without someone to show your special "find" to. 

Painting reference

Back at the room, I worked on a sketch for the beach painting to be done the next day.  It is an amazing thing to have uninterrupted time.  Throughout my retreat, I kept thinking, "What?  It's ONLY 5:00?" instead of the typical "What?  It's 5:00 ALREADY?"  Here's a preview of the scene I was planning to paint "plein air" (outdoors). 

At dinner time I got a Tri-tip Sandwich to go at the Main Street Grill in Cambria and brought it to my room and saved half for lunch the next day. 

The evening's entertainment was the film, "Miss Potter" about Beatrix Potter starring Rene Zellweger.  I've seen it before, but somehow it seemed fitting for this occasion.  One of her comments as she was anticipating the publishing of her Peter Rabbit book was "We shall look upon it as an 'adventure'.  It is a very sweet story, and I related on many levels; especially her love of watercolors, and the outdoors and her losses. 

Monday

One of the reasons we love the Fogcatcher is the complementary breakfast!  It is not just danish rolls, mind you, it is the real deal, complete with sausage, eggs, waffles, and pastries.  Peets coffee and a tray to take it to your room if you want.  Now, about the room...Cozy, and facing the ocean, the view from here was better than the nicest restaurant. 

I had brought along "The Glory of Heaven" by our pastor, John MacArthur because I decided to focus my thoughts on Heaven this week.  I want to think about Gary's future (and mine).  A couple of thoughts on this...Since, as Christians, our "citizenship is in Heaven," (Phil. 3;20), we already belong there.  It's where we are going one day and we can benefit partially now, from all the bounty of Heaven.  Something else...To be "absent from the body is to be at home with the Lord!" So when we're in our earthly bodies, we are not at home with the Lord.  We are walking by faith not by sight.  One day, Gary will shut his eyes for the last time, and when he passes into eternal life, he will walk by sight, not by faith.  His faith will become sight! 

I spent the rest of the morning painting the view out my window.  I'm only including one tree because I'm allowed to do it however I want!  :) Here's the start of it.

The afternoon was spent browsing the gift shops and galleries in town.   This might seem odd, but it reminded me of Gary too.  He enjoyed looking in all the "cute little shops" as he called them.  We never came to the Central Coast without coming home with a new plant from a local nursery.  One favorite place in town, is an old house, complete with gardens in back, and each room in the house is a showroom.  The mud room is for gardening related gifts, and the kitchen is where they sell herbs, essential oils, and potpourri.  Out back there is a 'fairy' garden with cute displays.  This is where we first saw a Newport Fairy Rose bush.  It is an aggressive rose, and gets really big.  Gary bought one 15 years ago, at the same shoppe and planted it by out arbor out back.  in no time it covered the big arbor and was beautiful.  It was one of the things I hated to leave when we moved.  Seeing it again, made me miss Gary. 

In the late afternoon, the lighting was just right and the tide was low enough to go back and paint the outdoor scene.  I got set up in just the right spot, on the sand, and began the fun challenge of capturing the beauty and feeling of the place, while keeping up a pace to beat the encroaching waves and mist as the wind began to pick up.  I suppose I was out there for 90 minutes before snapping a couple more photos and calling it quits, planning to finish it up later. 

The day ended with another long walk and a good dinner.  This time, Asian Chicken Salad.

Tuesday

Breakfast. Reading about Heaven. Prayer. Painting.  Frequently I would start to think of doing something...such as going for a coffee refill and ask myself "Will Gary be ok if I go downstairs and get the coffee?"  "Oh, yea, he's not here.  Go ahead and get the coffee."  It's a big adjustment being 'on my own.'  One thing caught me really off guard and hit me hard.  I decided to wash the windows before heading out.  As I did, it reminded me how Gary loved to do that whenever we were getting ready to travel.  He took great pride in getting them streak free.  Silly, what makes you get emotional, but I really missed him right then, washing my car windows in the hotel parking lot. 

I stopped for one last long look at the ocean at the south end of the beach on my way out, and had a snack there.  I decided that I would like to do this again, maybe next year.  It would be nice to look forward to.  I was able to go to the same places Gary and I shared together, and enjoy myself.  It was a happy/sad time, but I know he would want me to be doing these things and that makes me feel bold about venturing out a little. 

Driving home, normal anticipation of being with my love again was clouded by the knowledge that he wouldn't be able to participate in my joy.  But in a weird way he does.  We are 'one flesh.'  My joy or sadness is his, and his is mine.  On the way home, I stopped for a late lunch in Solvang, which was OUR first stop on our honeymoon road trip 39 1/2 years ago.  I was facing more memories, and again, It was ok.   When I got home and greeted Gary I wish I could say he responded but he didn't.  I told him all about my time, away and maybe he caught some of it, but I couldn't tell.  I put the 3 pebbles in his hand, and helped him hold them for a minute.  Hopefully it brought back a good feeling for him like it did for me. 

"Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever."  Psalm 23:6

Never Forget

I want to remember the "old" Gary. 

2004

One of my greatest fears is that when Gary is gone to Heaven, is that I won’t remember how he was in the past.  His strong body is wasted away, and there isn’t much left.  He looks so different.  His muscle wasting has revealed his skeleton, covered only by his skin.  His skin is easily bruised, especially on his fore arms where the slightest bump can cause a minor skin tear.   His remaining muscles can barely support his own weight and only with two helpers.  Shaving is difficult because his cheeks are so sunken.  His eyes no longer twinkle with an unspoken private joke.  They usually look right past me.  His voice is unused.  His attempts at speech are lip movement only.  His mouth is open all the time, causing his saliva to thicken and his mouth to get dry.   

Stealing a kiss on Valentines Day.  Three months ago.  He's lost more weight since then.

Gary is comfortable and content.  Except for meals, he is asleep.  His Dr. said that most people with Alzheimer’s at this stage are no longer eating.  Because he is a young Alzheimer’s victim, who had a strong body to start with he is doing better than most.  Most of his energy is going to digestion, organ support, and the disease itself, and so he is very, very sleepy all day.  He sleeps in the recliner from 9:00-2:00 and then back to bed for the rest of the day.  Swallowing is getting more challenging so food has to be just the right consistency for him.  Many meals are only partially eaten because he falls asleep.  It seems the final decline may be right around the corner. 

Sometimes I want to scream at the disease…“STOP THIS!”  It feels like a powerful train engine, slowly moving forward.  My attempts at jumping in front of it to try to hold it back would be useless.   Instead I am trying to make it a pleasant ride down the tracks for both of us.  I play his favorite hymns, swab his dry mouth with cool water, and remind him of the past with a familiar touch and voice.  I try to take care of myself too, with nourishment for my mind, soul and body. 

One of the reasons I write a blog and post old photos are to help my heart remember.  I saved a recording of Gary’s voice on a voice mail message several years ago.  I play it when I want to hear him talking.

I want to remember these Alzheimer's years too. 

Dear friends who are moving away this month came to say 'goodbye' to Gary and I.

They are rich.  They are precious.  In many ways more sweet than the 30 years before dementia came in the door.  Gary is still Gary.  It’s just that his brain and body are dying.  God’s promises are still true.  "I will never leave you nor forsake you." (Jesus)  

I don’t want to forget the sights and sounds of this hard journey.  It’s all part of the bond and love in marriage, and joy of serving Christ together.  We are on our way to Heaven, both of us.  This world is not our home.  We’re just passing through mortality and one day will put on immortality.   Every part of this life is valuable and worthy to be remembered because the past, present, and future are all connected.  I don't want to "discount" the last few years as wasted.  I have the privilege of assisting my beloved Gary along his difficult way.  Along the way I get to observe some of the amazing things God is doing in our lives. 

"But having the same spirit of faith, according to what is written, 'I believed, therefore I spoke,' we also believe, therefore we also speak, knowing that He who raised the Lord Jesus will raise us also with Jesus and will present us with you.  For all things are for your sakes, so that the grace which is spreading to more and more people may cause the giving of thanks to abound to the glory of God. 

Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. (2 Corinthians 4)

I want to look forward.

For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while we look NOT at the things which are SEEN, but at the things which are NOT SEEN; for the things which are seen are TEMPORAL, but the things which are not seen are ETERNAL."  (2 Corinthians 4:13-18)

For we know that i the earthly tent (body) which is our house is torn down, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens. " (5:1)

Life is a Continuum

It's not that hard to remember his past because it is tied to his present and future. 

Past - Gary's sense of humor directed at the important things in his life.  Even thoughts of life and death, reflected in this favorite book of his.  It's a collection of funny and serious epitaphs. 

Present - Now that he is nearing the end of his life, it seems appropriate to think about his life and the seriousness of eternal things. 

Future - One day he WILL be in eternity, as we all will.

He had a favorite epitaph in the book, that I heard him tell people about many times.  Gary is still with us of course, but I think would be appropriate to share today.   He has it highlighted...

I can't imagine seeing this on a tombstone, but it's so poignant.

May I encourage you...

• Record yourself sharing your testimony so your family will have your voice and story to remember.    We wish we done this with Gary.
• Ladies, nurture your relationship with your husband, and learn to follow his lead so you will be able to move confidently through a trial knowing what he'd want you to do.  Don't waste the years in complaining about trivia.
• During a trial, no mater how small or large, hang on tenaciously to God, trusting Him, knowing that there are future blessings in store, as well as good surprises along the way.
• Believers, let us learn more about Heaven and think on it often.  That is where we will be for eternity.  God has much to tell us about it in His word. "...they will see His face..." (Rev 22)
• Unbelievers, think about your future.  We don't know the number of our days as a mortal, but everyone will live for eternity in Heaven or Hell.  Make sure you give thought to this now when there is time.   To read more...

Watercolor Journals - The Secret Place

"The Secret Place”

based on “The Secret Garden,” by F. H. Burnett

“And the secret garden bloomed and bloomed and every morning revealed new miracles. In the robin’s nest there were Eggs and the robin’s mate sat upon them keeping them warm with her feathery little breast and careful wings. At first she was very nervous and the robin himself was indignantly watchful. Even Dickon did not go near the close-grown corner in those days, but waited until by the quiet working of some mysterious spell he seemed to have conveyed to the soul of the little pair that in the garden there was nothing which was not quite like themselves—nothing which did not understand the wonderfulness of what was happening to them—the immense, tender, terrible, heart-breaking beauty and solemnity of Eggs. If there had been one person in that garden who had not known through all his or her innermost being that if an Egg were taken away or hurt the whole world would whirl round and crash through space and come to an end—if there had been even one who did not feel it and act accordingly there could have been no happiness even in that golden springtime air. But they all knew it and felt it and the robin and his mate knew they knew it.”  From Chapter 25, The Secret Garden

Being pregnant with our first daughter, brought out the nesting instinct in me.  A hand-me-down crib required a coat of paint, bedding and a new mattress.  We chose yellow, because in those days, no one knew the gender until the baby arrived.  I made a Noah’s Ark mobile to hang above the crib. The cabinet received a new coat of varnish.  The drawers were lined with pieces of the green and yellow wallpaper and the shower gifts were placed inside.  Her room was warm, safe and ready. 21 years later she would leave her nest.  A few years later her sister would leave as well.  Now they have their own nests, and the cozy ritual goes on.  Getting ready for little ones is one of the greatest privileges in life.

Watercolor Journal - Closer and Closer

based on “The Secret Garden,” by F. H. Burnett

"Oh! look at him!" exclaimed Mary.

The robin was evidently in a fascinating, bold mood. He hopped closer and closer and looked at Ben Weatherstaff more and more engagingly. He flew on to the nearest currant bush and tilted his head and sang a little song right at him.

"Tha' thinks tha'll get over me by doin' that," said Ben, wrinkling his face up in such a way that Mary felt sure he was trying not to look pleased. "Tha' thinks no one can stand out against thee-that's what tha' thinks."

The robin spread his wings-Mary could scarcely believe her eyes. He flew right up to the handle of Ben Weatherstaff's spade and alighted on the top of it. Then the old man's face wrinkled itself slowly into a new expression. He stood still as if he were afraid to breathe-as if he would not have stirred for the world, lest his robin should start away. He spoke quite in a whisper.

From Chapter 10, The Secret Garden

A few weeks ago, my little granddaughter was excited to show me her friendly hummingbird.  She learned that if she sat very still, near the feeder, the hungry bird would come quite close.  It’s hard to be patient, but she lifted her hand and “froze” whenever he was near, and he hovered right there.  The little birds are a wonderful brush with wild things, the “magic” of our own secret gardens, and so we love them.

Watercolor Journal - Mary's First Friend

Based on “The Secret Garden,” by F. H. Burnett

“Mistress Mary went a step nearer to the robin and looked at him very hard. "I'm lonely," she said.

She had not known before that this was one of the things which made her feel sour and cross. She seemed to find it out when the robin looked at her and she looked at the robin….. Suddenly a clear rippling little sound broke out near her and she turned round. She was standing a few feet from a young apple-tree and the robin had flown on to one of its branches and had burst out into a scrap of a song. Ben Weatherstaff laughed outright.

"What did he do that for?" asked Mary. "He's made up his mind to make friends with thee," replied Ben. "Dang me if he hasn't took a fancy to thee."

"To me?" said Mary, and she moved toward the little tree softly and looked up. "Would you make friends with me?" she said to the robin just as if she was speaking to a person. "Would you?"   (From Chapter 4, the Secret Garden)

April at the Colorado River. 1981

How lovely to remember our children reading this story.  Now, our oldest granddaughter is reading about the same mysterious garden, and the robin who knew where it was.  Generations of children have played outdoors, laughed at the antics of the wild things, and imagined they were friends.  Grown ups are no different.  Ever try to entice a squirrel to come close with a peanut?  While hiking once with Gary, we came upon a huge bull moose.  The surprise and fear gave way to the realization that he did not mind us being there.  We weren’t exactly “friends” with him, but for a moment, he was allowing us into his wild world.  Thrilling.

Watercolor Journals - Behind the Wall

Since my robin note cards are making the rounds this Spring, I'm posting some of the musings these paintings have inspired in me.  I can't see a robin without thinking of the cheeky lil' beggar in The Secret Garden.  Enjoy!

Behind the Wall - original watercolor

“And delight reigned. They drew the chair under the plum-tree, which was snow-white with blossoms and musical with bees. It was like a king's canopy, a fairy king's. There were flowering cherry-trees near and apple-trees whose buds were pink and white, and here and there one had burst open wide. Between the blossoming branches of the canopy bits of blue sky looked down like wonderful eyes.

Mary and Dickon worked a litle here and there and Colin watched them. They brought him things to look at--buds which were opening, buds which were tight closed, bits of twig whose leaves were just showing green, the feather of a woodpecker which had dropped on the grass, the empty shell of some bird early hatched. Dickon pushed the chair slowly round and round the garden, stopping every other moment to let him look at wonders springing out of the earth or trailing down from trees. It was like being taken in state round the country of a magic king and queen and shown all the mysterious riches it contained.

"I wonder if we shall see the robin?" said Colin.”  (From Chapter 21 of The Secret Garden by F. H. Burnett)

Canada Geese in view.

I wonder the same thing each morning as I open my blinds.  I wonder if I will see the robin, hopping about looking for worms, or the two Mallard ducks who sometimes work their way along the golf course looking for breakfast, or the five Canada Geese who flew in and landed on the ‘green,’ disrupting the putts of some ladies last week.  Right now, I can hear a symphony of animal life.  It is evening, and the crickets and tree frogs are singing in the ravine, interrupted only momentarily if someone is walking a dog nearby.  There is so much to see when we look expectantly outdoors.  I must keep those binoculars handy.